So, I am quite aware of the themes I am writing about, sharing about, dancing in, voicing through and those I embody with my whole very vulnerable human being.

They include birth, death, grief, sickness, disappointment, mourning, grief and pain.

They include the dirt of being human. My dirt.
I don’t know about yours. But, I believe although we have such different stories, the layers behind them are pretty much the same.

And the thing is…
In this “modern” world we are not showing up for ourselves. Maybe for our successes…maybe for some of our stories, and we keep on telling them again and again. To ourselves and others. Ever repeating.

But the real human behind?
We learn to keep him/her out of the picture while growing “up”. Growing “apart” from our source. Leaving our connection to spirit and soul far behind. “Fitting “in” by “leaving out”.

(Re)connection begins with re connection to all the things filthy, dirty and raw. That make you tremble even thinking about.

No joke.

The part of life we seemed to forget about; PAIN.
And I mean the opening and true kind of pain. That strips you naked. That feels alive. And death. At the same time.

Descending into the dark. Pain. Sorrow. Full of earth, dust, dirt and blood.

It has a heartbeat…

I do feel the shame. The unsafe feeling. Being uncomfortable. Nobody taught me how to do this. Or gave me an example.

“I didn’t feel safe at some point so I started doing it”. No. I simply didn’t.

It is not a safe thing to do.

So promised myself I would start showing up for me, catching me where needed. And with a trembling body and voice I started. Never knowing how to start. Showing my true and ugly self. And running back to the well known, hide and seek.

No healing. No fluff. No Tantric juiciness. No enlightenment. No solutions.
But that doesn’t mean it has to be “hard work” it can be soft and gently and thorough edlekarna.com.


It will be BIG.

And awfully true.

Madelief de Graaf, 10th of October, 2019

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